“Hello?”
“Good Afternoon, Sir.”

“Sir? Sir? Do I sound like ‘Sir’ to you?”
“Sorry, Madam.”

“That’s more like it! Now tell me, how can I assist you?”
“Madam, I am Uma calling from Tele-Annoyance Unlimited Incorporated Privated Limited…”

“What in the world is that?”
“We’re an insurance-based credit card company…blah blah blah…“

“Uh.”
“Er… would you be interested, Madam?”

“God Forbid. No, not in the least. Thank Heavens I’m not.”
“Okay…”

“Can I offer you an advice? An unsolicited, unasked advice, for your own well-being?”
“Madam?”

“Probably someone is paying you to make these calls, but just in case you want anyone to be really or even remotely interested in this thing you’re talking about… don’t call them at 3PM. There is the remotest, unlikeliest possibility that they’re taking a nap and your poor self will be exposed to the most vilest and foulest language on Earth.”
“Sorry, Madam.”

“Ah, you get the point. There, that’s a good girl. Bye!” Click.

*

“Yaaawwww–ello–wnn?”
“Hello? Is this the house of Mr.-?”

“It certainly is.”
“Can I please speak to him?”

“Ah, sorry, sweet lady. The darn guy’s gone to office. I’m his wife. Can I pass on some lovely message from you?”
“Madam, I am Neha calling from H##C Bank, this is regarding a car loan…”

“Ah, the dumbo hasn’t paid his EMI, eh?”
“No, I mean, I just wanted to ask if he would be interested in taking another car loan…”

“Another? You have no idea, this hubby of mine, he rarely remembers to pay his installments for the existing loan. They nearly confiscated our car the last time. Hey, maybe you can help me. Do you think you can give us some loan using which we can close the current loan? Hmmm?”
“Madam, our…”

“I hope we don’t have to pay you back, since you’re so nicely calling us up and offering a loan?”
“Sorry, Madam….”

“No? Then why in the world are you wasting my time, eh?”
Click.

“Heh heh.”

*

“Hello?”
“Hello Madam, I am calling from Tele-Annoyance Unlimited… Can I speak to you for a minute?”

“Well, considering that you’re already speaking, I am ready to risk the remaining precious fifty seconds of my life.”
“As you’re our valued customer, blah blah blah.. esteemed customer.. blah blah blah…. we’re offering you blah blah blah… totally free of cost!”

Snore. “Is that all?”
“Yes Madam, would you be interested?”

“No. Nah. Nada. Curious, isn’t it…?”
“Madam??”

“… That ‘No’ is the same in so many languages?”
“Err… Madam, yes of course… Does that mean..?”

“Wait! Let me make a deal with you.”
“Deal, Madam?”

“Shhh… ” (whispering) “I will share the contact numbers of my three managers and their managers. If you like, a couple of my colleagues too, the nastiest ones, mind you. In return, will you shift-delete my number from your records?”
“Madam!”

“No? I thought so. Thanks. Bye.” Click.

*

“Hello?”
“Yawwwwwwnnnnn.”

“Hello?”
“I’m here, I’m here. This has better be good.”

“Madam, I’m calling from S@#$%% Bank, this is regarding credit card..blah blah blah.”
“No, no, so kind of you, but thanks, not interested.”

“Okay, Sorry Madam…”
“Oh, wait!”

“Yes Madam?”
“You said you’re calling from S@#$%% Bank? But I am in no way related to that bank. I do not have an account there, so how did you get my number?”

“Oh, from our database, Madam.”
“But how did it get into your database?” (Smiling) “I never interacted with your bank in my life.”

“Er…we have our methods, Madam.”
“Like? For example?”

“Err… I cannot divulge them, Madam…”
“Oh how unkind! We’re talking about my phone number here,” (Smiling) “Don’t you think I am entitled to know? I am just soooo curious!”

“Errr…. we get these numbers from Airtel*, Madam.”
“Airtel? My service provider?”

“Yes Madam.” (Smiling) “Is that all, Madam?”
“It certainly is not all, Girl. Airtel, huh? Is that how it is? I am going to sue them for selling my phone numbers to cr@p sellers without my permission!”

Click.

* True story
** All are based on real incidents