I had been warned before I went. But I was unprepared for what I saw.

I glanced at her and looked away, pretending to be talking to someone else, so that she would not see the shock in my eyes.
God knows how many times she must have seen it – and how it must have scared her.
She had deteriorated so much in the few months since I last saw her.
Last time, I thought she was just skin and bones. Now it seems like she was much healthier then.

She sat up to talk to us. I could not allow my eyes to stay on her face for long… I was afraid I would not be able to hide the disbelief, the pain, the memory – the memory of her ten years ago at a wedding, her face healthy and glowing and bright with happiness.
Who would have known.

We talked, smiled, enquired generally about each other. I kept skipping over topics, almost with no break. Silence could be dangerous, silence could bring back unpleasant thoughts. The distraction might do her good.

If the sight terrified me so, how much more would it be for her – to feel every day, the fear, the knowledge, the dread of the inevitable.

She went back to bed because she was tired. I said it was okay, she didn’t have to get up when we left.

I try to keep it away but the thought continues to return to mind.
It is only a matter of time…

By |2018-12-10T11:18:16+00:00October 13th, 2011|Thoughts|7 Comments

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  1. Dr.Vijay Varghese October 13, 2011 at 7:54 am - Reply

    cancer i persume. hope you have read the "emperor of maladies". itsa one of the hardest realities that u have nicely presented here .cancer spares nothing in its wake neither the person nor his beloved ones nor his belongings 🙁

  2. Jean October 13, 2011 at 11:32 am - Reply

    No, Dr.Varghese, it isn't. Some other weird illness.
    I have heard of the book, haven't read it yet. Thanks for your comment.

  3. Aakash Kokz October 14, 2011 at 1:54 am - Reply

    Its quite depressing when we lose our loved ones cuz of any sort of illness. I hope for the day when we figure out the cure to all the dreadful diseases in this world.

  4. Anonymous October 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm - Reply

    I felt the dread reading it.. I have been in those shoes.. (surrounded by water all around and drowning..)

  5. Himangshu October 15, 2011 at 9:30 am - Reply

    Hey…how r u? Its good to see u updating ur blogs regularly. Keeps the words coming out………………coz u never know, who else might get inspired to write reading u….

  6. David October 16, 2011 at 3:52 pm - Reply

    no amount of warning prepares us for the dramatic decline of a loved one. what seems to scare most is the knowledge that it is also happening to them, but more subtly.

  7. Jean October 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm - Reply

    Thanks for your sharing your thoughts, Aakash, Dr.Babu, Himangshu and David.
    You're right, David, that fear is omnipresent…

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